10 Nov

I woke up this morning when the alarm went off. No waking up in the middle of the night, reaching for him. I turned on the news and then got up, like I always did.

It felt, normal. Like it had before Sunday.

It was scary. Did that mean I didn’t miss him? That maybe, I wanted to be with him because he was comfortable, because for the last year he’s all I’ve known? Maybe. And that horrifies me. I want this pain to be because I love him. Because I’ve made so many plans that I want to execute with him.

Then, as I was heading to work I got the bright idea to call him and make sure he was up and off to work. The new Call Of Duty came out yesterday, and I know that even though he said he would, he wasn’t going to bed early. I wanted to make sure he was okay.

When we said goodbye, he called me by my first name. That hurt like hell. He usually only does that when he’s angry or frustrated with me. I don’t want him to be angry and frustrated. I want things to be normal.

I love this man. I know we’re young but I do. Maybe this break is a good thing. We’ll both get to figure out what we want. But right now, I just want him. The way we used to be.


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