What a Sorrowful Life…

9 Nov

You know what REALLY sucks when losing the one you love?

When you’re in the process of changing everything they dislike.

Honey complained that I wanted him to know what I wanted, and plan accordingly. This is partly true. I hinted and sometimes outright told him what I would love to do. And sometimes, I wanted him to surprise me, or tell me we were going out to do one of those things.

He says that he’d ask me what I wanted to do and I would often say, “nothing much.” This is also true. In my twisted logic I felt that he KNEW what I wanted to do. I wanted him to put it on the table. I didn’t want to make him do what he didn’t want to do, and I didn’t think he liked the things I wanted. So I figured if he would tolerate what I wanted, he’d offer it up. I know it was wrong. I’d always asked him for honesty and I should have given it to him. My mistake.

Now, since September, I’d been planning things to do all winter. Every weekend would be booked, at least one day of the weekend, with all the fun stuff we’d do together. Now I don’t have anyone to go with. I could go alone, or with my girls, but I want these things to be things we do together. I planned it that way. But I ran out of time.

He complained of my mood swings. I was talking to my doctor about switching my birth control so I wouldn’t be so evil. I wanted to be the woman he needed, but I didn’t make it happen fast enough. So tonight, as I cry myself to sleep like I have for the past 2 nights, I’ll pray for that second chance. And I’ll be better this time. I promise.

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