From the bottom of my broken heart.

9 Nov

Whale, apparently, it’s national blog posting month. So let’s give it a go.

I’m in the midst of a break-up. Or a break. Or whatever my boyfriend (ex? ex-to-be? fuck, I don’t know) is feeling today. So this weekend I met his mama then after a splendid nap to end our splendid day, he told me how unhappy he was. Now, I don’t wanna get into this shit. Not today. I’ve spent the last 3 days crying and I’m trying to keep my shit together at work.

I don’t all the way believe that Honey is going anywhere. He’s been texting me about normal shit like he always did. He still wants us to be good friends. I think he’s just scared. He said he didn’t think we could be together for the rest of our lives and that he’s not ready to be as committed as I want him to be but I don’t want him to be anymore committed than he is. When I asked how committed I wanted him to be, and he said he didn’t know. So it’s a waiting game.

I’m struggling to figure out what the new normal is. And I’m in so much pain I just want to crawl under the covers and hibernate until spring. I know we’re young. But I don’t want to be married or anything. I just want my best friend back. If he wants less committment, I’d gladly give it to him. I want him to be happy. I just don’t want him out of my life.

I know that I pushed him away. I grew up in a fucked up household and in my constant quest to not become my experience I focused on what I didn’t have instead of what I did; an amazing, caring man who would do anything for me. So what if he didn’t bring me flowers for no reason, or couldn’t read my hints all the time. He was always by my side, he always knew what to say, and when he didn’t he was always prepared to hold me and do whatever he could to make me feel better. I see now. I know I can be better. I just have to pray that he gives me that chance.

Fuck. Growing up sucks. I want my mommy.

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