Archive | November, 2010

52 Weeks

15 Nov

Yesterday was my anniversary. I felt okay when I got up. Energetic, even. I hung out until about 2 o’clock then I got busy cleaning my house. He texted me around 6. asked if I had gotten my new tv yet. We made small talk. I feel like he didn’t even remember, or worse, didn’t care.

Or maybe what my mom tells me is right; maybe this is just how he’s coping. I told him that I was getting the TV on black friday. It’s possible that he didn’t remember that I had told him when I was getting the TV, or he wanted to talk to me but didn’t know how. Maybe he was afraid to make me sad. I hope that’s it. I had so much planned for this weekend. I had been trying to figure out what we were gonna do for weeks. All for nothing, I guess. I’ve written him a letter. Now I gotta figure out whether or not I’m gonna send it.

Jeebus, why is this so damn hard?

Dear John

12 Nov

I’ve wanted to write him a letter for days. Nevermind that it’s only been a few days since we he decided that he needed some time off. I want to make sure I make it clear how I feel, that I know what I did wrong and was in the process of changing, and how different it will be when we get back together (speak it into existence, people).

I don’t know where to start, and I don’t know if it’s been enough time. He’s still texxting me about menial things, things that I would help him with when we were all the way together. It’s awesome and it sucks. I can’t help but wonder if he’s doing it because he misses me and trusts me, or if I’m comfortable and convenient. The latter is in my head, though I know it is probably not true. He called me last night asking where the local police station was. He has a GPS. But, he could have been being lazy.

I want to turn off my brain sometimes. Not because I don’t want to think about him and us and how we used to be, but so I can stop trying to analyze it all. It’s not for me to figure out right now. I’ve just got to live and hope that it all works out in the end.

So maybe tonight, I’ll write that letter. And keep it saved away until the time is right. And hope that it does us some good.

Reprieve.

11 Nov

Today, my Siddy (best friend) and I headed out since we didn’t have anything to do on account of Veterans Day. We got Paninis and saw Due Date with the hilarious Zach Galifianakis. It was amazing. For several hours, I forgot how tortured my soul was. I forgot how hard I was trying to get myself together. It just happened. And it felt so good.

 

Honey called me today. Somebody stole the temporary tags on his car and he needed to know where our police station was. After about an hour I called him back to make sure he found it and he said that he had but couldn’t talk because he was waiting for them to call back. Then he randomly called me a little while later saying that he’d talked to his uncle and he was fine, and that he has a strange pain in his foot.

 

Weird. But okay. It’s progress.

“Normal”

10 Nov

I woke up this morning when the alarm went off. No waking up in the middle of the night, reaching for him. I turned on the news and then got up, like I always did.

It felt, normal. Like it had before Sunday.

It was scary. Did that mean I didn’t miss him? That maybe, I wanted to be with him because he was comfortable, because for the last year he’s all I’ve known? Maybe. And that horrifies me. I want this pain to be because I love him. Because I’ve made so many plans that I want to execute with him.

Then, as I was heading to work I got the bright idea to call him and make sure he was up and off to work. The new Call Of Duty came out yesterday, and I know that even though he said he would, he wasn’t going to bed early. I wanted to make sure he was okay.

When we said goodbye, he called me by my first name. That hurt like hell. He usually only does that when he’s angry or frustrated with me. I don’t want him to be angry and frustrated. I want things to be normal.

I love this man. I know we’re young but I do. Maybe this break is a good thing. We’ll both get to figure out what we want. But right now, I just want him. The way we used to be.

What a Sorrowful Life…

9 Nov

You know what REALLY sucks when losing the one you love?

When you’re in the process of changing everything they dislike.

Honey complained that I wanted him to know what I wanted, and plan accordingly. This is partly true. I hinted and sometimes outright told him what I would love to do. And sometimes, I wanted him to surprise me, or tell me we were going out to do one of those things.

He says that he’d ask me what I wanted to do and I would often say, “nothing much.” This is also true. In my twisted logic I felt that he KNEW what I wanted to do. I wanted him to put it on the table. I didn’t want to make him do what he didn’t want to do, and I didn’t think he liked the things I wanted. So I figured if he would tolerate what I wanted, he’d offer it up. I know it was wrong. I’d always asked him for honesty and I should have given it to him. My mistake.

Now, since September, I’d been planning things to do all winter. Every weekend would be booked, at least one day of the weekend, with all the fun stuff we’d do together. Now I don’t have anyone to go with. I could go alone, or with my girls, but I want these things to be things we do together. I planned it that way. But I ran out of time.

He complained of my mood swings. I was talking to my doctor about switching my birth control so I wouldn’t be so evil. I wanted to be the woman he needed, but I didn’t make it happen fast enough. So tonight, as I cry myself to sleep like I have for the past 2 nights, I’ll pray for that second chance. And I’ll be better this time. I promise.

From the bottom of my broken heart.

9 Nov

Whale, apparently, it’s national blog posting month. So let’s give it a go.

I’m in the midst of a break-up. Or a break. Or whatever my boyfriend (ex? ex-to-be? fuck, I don’t know) is feeling today. So this weekend I met his mama then after a splendid nap to end our splendid day, he told me how unhappy he was. Now, I don’t wanna get into this shit. Not today. I’ve spent the last 3 days crying and I’m trying to keep my shit together at work.

I don’t all the way believe that Honey is going anywhere. He’s been texting me about normal shit like he always did. He still wants us to be good friends. I think he’s just scared. He said he didn’t think we could be together for the rest of our lives and that he’s not ready to be as committed as I want him to be but I don’t want him to be anymore committed than he is. When I asked how committed I wanted him to be, and he said he didn’t know. So it’s a waiting game.

I’m struggling to figure out what the new normal is. And I’m in so much pain I just want to crawl under the covers and hibernate until spring. I know we’re young. But I don’t want to be married or anything. I just want my best friend back. If he wants less committment, I’d gladly give it to him. I want him to be happy. I just don’t want him out of my life.

I know that I pushed him away. I grew up in a fucked up household and in my constant quest to not become my experience I focused on what I didn’t have instead of what I did; an amazing, caring man who would do anything for me. So what if he didn’t bring me flowers for no reason, or couldn’t read my hints all the time. He was always by my side, he always knew what to say, and when he didn’t he was always prepared to hold me and do whatever he could to make me feel better. I see now. I know I can be better. I just have to pray that he gives me that chance.

Fuck. Growing up sucks. I want my mommy.